A short and absurd (but true) list of things I’d rather do than get slapped by Mike Tyson

Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.

Mike Tyson, the 58-year-old former heavyweight boxing champ, is set to fight internet personality-turned-boxer Jake Paul (aged 27) on November 15, 2024, at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. If you are even remotely into sports, you’re probably aware of this. Heck, even if you’re only remotely into pop culture, you might be aware of this since Mike Tyson was an absolute pop culture staple of the ’90s and has been in and out of the public consciousness over the past few decades for various reasons, good and bad. I mean, it’s Mike Tyson. He is on the Mt. Rushmore of People Named Michael, alongside Michael Jackson, Michael Jordan and Michael Harriot.  

It’s…Mike. Iron Mike Tyson. He’s the guy Will Smith made a song about (as part of the hip-hop duo DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince) titled “I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson.” There was a version of the video game “Punch-Out!!” called “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!” — Mike Tyson had a video game!!!! 

Mike Tyson was so vicious and so powerful as a fighter that he often knocked people out in the first round. Then, he bit Evander Holyfield’s ear in 1997. I’m saying: I love Mike Tyson but I don’t want any smoke with Mike Tyson. Jake Paul wants all the smoke with Mike Tyson, hence their upcoming fight. And during the pre-fight weigh-in, he apparently stepped on Mike Tyson’s toe, causing Mike Tyson to slap the dogmess out of him. Look, Jake Paul took it like he was supposed to. He had to act unfazed. He had to pretend it not only didn’t hurt but barely made an impact. 

I am not Jake Paul.

I don’t ever want to be slapped by Mike Tyson. I don’t even want to be pushed by Mike Tyson. I would like to meet Mike Tyson, shake his hand and say nice things to him. To illustrate just how serious I am about never wanting to be slapped by Mike, here is an absurd but true list of things I’d rather do than get slapped by Mike Tyson. 

1. Bathe in some of that Nickelodeon slime that used to get dumped on people during the show “Double Dare”

2. Eat a bucket of cauliflower drenched in wasabi 

3. Walk on a bed of nails right after my toes were bedazzled with the faces of 10 popular Marvel characters 

4. Pointlessly and annoyingly call 1,000 people by the end of 2024 and ask them if they’d like to switch their long-distance carrier like I did as a college student in the ’90s

5. Write down every subtle difference between the 1977 version of the miniseries “Roots” and the 2016 version  

Panama Jackson is a columnist at theGrio and host of the award-winning podcast, “Dear Culture” on theGrio Black Podcast Network. He writes very Black things, drinks very brown liquors, and is pretty fly for a light guy. His biggest accomplishment to date coincides with his Blackest accomplishment to date in that he received a phone call from Oprah Winfrey after she read one of his pieces (biggest) but he didn’t answer the phone because the caller ID said “Unknown” (Blackest).