I have spent my life looking after my depressive, controlling mum – can I move on? | Ask Annalisa

My mother has led a hard life. Diagnosed with clinical depression many years ago, she has made multiple “suicide attempts”, ranging from when I was aged nine to the last one 12 years ago when I was 31. I’m an only child, unmarried, and my mum did not marry after my dad left her. She did find love when I was 11, but her parents forbade her to pursue it, so she focused on her career.

Mum’s suicide attempts were often linked to control issues: a reaction to me dating or not toeing the line. When I graduated from college and moved to a different city, my mother asked me to return home on a work-from-home arrangement, and the tussles continued, with my aunt (who has not worked since her early 30s) being equally controlling. Tiring of the endless drama, I took a job in a different country and have worked here for a decade, unwillingly returning “home” once.

Since I started earning in 2009 I have sent 25% of my salary to my mother and 20% to my aunt, no questions asked. I have tried to be as responsible as possible, going above and beyond, paying medical expenses and organising holidays.

My mother was on a visit to my city in 2020 when lockdown happened, and, four Covid bouts and two cancer diagnoses later, she has ended up living with me for almost five years. While we got off to a rocky start in the pandemic, long conversations during lockdowns followed by her illnesses and cancer treatments brought us closer, and I believed that by 2023 we had really grown to love and respect each other.

Recently, on a trip to help my aunt after she had been in hospital, I had to check her emails to reset her internet banking. I could not help myself from snooping, and discovered a cache of emails dated 2012 to 2020 in which my mother had written about me in the most derogatory terms.

This has broken my heart and I want to send my mother back to our home country for good, to live alone or settle back in with my aunt. Yet I am being encouraged to forgive her due to her age, her depression and her weakened health (she’s in remission, but the cancer has taken its toll). Please advise!

This may be an example of the most controlling mother/daughter (and aunt) relationship I have ever witnessed.

I took your letter to the UKCP-registered psychotherapist Sharon Bond, who was struck by how “courageous and compassionate” you are. “You’re able to think of your mother’s feelings and circumstances, even as you took on the role of parenting her, trying to be the daughter you thought your mum needed and could be proud of, and a good niece to your aunt.”

Even when you lived away you still provided for your mum and aunt – and you continue to provide for them.

There seem to be lots of layers of control in this scenario. Bond thought it was interesting that when it was just you and your mum, when she came to stay with you during lockdown, things seemed to change.

“I’m sorry all that good work was undone by you seeing the email exchange between your mother and aunt,” said Bond. I noted the emails were dated 2012-20. Was there an overlap between the end of this exchange and the changing mother/daughter relationship?”

I wondered what you were looking for by “snooping” – evidence things had changed or that they hadn’t? The question is: if you hadn’t read those emails, how would you feel now?

You have every valid reason to send your mother back home and resume your own life as much as you are able. And you have no obligation to send money home. But in situations such as these that I’ve observed, it’s easy to suggest those things, but you are so enmeshed in this situation it’s often about finding the line to tread between being overwhelmed with guilt and obligation, and feeling you can live your own life. Only you know where that line is. Who else do you have around you to bolster you up? Would you consider getting some therapy to help you work out what it is you really want? “What are the obstacles,” asked Bond, “that are stopping you getting on with your life? What are you not giving yourself permission to have?”

Can you trust this new relationship with your mum? Will it sustain you? Who is encouraging you to forgive her?

Whatever you do, “It needs to be a decision you can live with,” said Bond, and that’s really the key here. If you need someone to say you have done more than enough and now it’s time for your life – you can still help your mum from a distance if need be – then here I am, giving it to you.

In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on freephone 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In the US, you can call or text the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988, chat on 988lifeline.org, or text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counsellor. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at befrienders.org

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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